My mother got the money to help me move. Iapos;m starting to feel a bit panicked and infinitely worrisome. Iapos;ve been slacking off on the drinking thing a bit lately. Trying to get my shit together and sell some of my unneeded possessions. I have a two court dates coming up and Iapos;m worried that they will play a role in keeping me here longer than I had hoped. Iapos;m really terrified of going to school again. I havenapos;t been in school for nearly five years. I ate pills the first two years and slept the last year and a half. I canapos;t help but feel that I am simply not fit for any organized learning environment. I only seem to function on my own schedule.
Lately, Iapos;ve been reading James Tateapos;s book of poems, The Ghost Soldiers. I believe Iapos;ve fallen in love with the bastard. Iapos;ve also been writing incessantly. What does that mean? Not much, I suppose. I have about 7 pages on a short story that Iapos;ve been working on forever and four other stories that have beginnings and endings but only little tidbits in the middle. Not only that, but I find it to be a daunting task to come back and cut away the excess fat from my drunken ramblings. Often the things I write just rants about people; how they will recite the same stories to multiple listeners verbatim if only to hear themselves talk and stuff like that. Inserting these rants or prose into legitimate stories becomes difficult. It doesnapos;t really matter. Just a nice hobby to pass the time and a way to fully express my thoughts, as disjointed as they become on paper.
Also, I saw my mom wake Gustavo the other day by rubbing his penis. How does this make me feel? One word: awkward.
Adam is sitting across from me crying. His normally pallid complexion is red and he wonapos;t look at me. Haley is dating someone in Austin. I really feel for him.
With all of this change getting closer and closer, Iapos;m beginning to doubt my ability to do anything. Learning, loving or appreciating another person, finishing school, getting a job, making friends, etc... What is worse is that I feel those around doubt my abilities also. Perhaps they are right?
My day is coming.
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